[self] A Review on Love and Romance

[5 Feb 2022]

I've been having a hard time discerning my take on what love is. I tried to learn but people seems to misunderstand, or maybe I am indeed wrong. The concept of love is something so foreign for me.

I used to feel so detached to almost anything other than myself and my imagination. The world in my head was a much better place to stay than the one I lived in. I shut people out very easily, and make a high giant wall to protect my fragile mind. You won't get hurt by them if you don't know them in the first place, right?

But I came of age and I was curious. What does it feel like to love someone? To show interest? To give affection? Me and my messed up head knows nothing about that. About reciprocated love, the feelings of mutual attraction. To get to know each other, naturally.

All I met was one-sided love, I even doubt if it's love. I tear down my wall for people, but they left it in vain. I still do, to be honest. When I like someone, I'll try to cater to their needs. I reply fast, I'll give food, I'll give anything they want. I feel like I want things to be fast when in fact such relationship isn't build on a hyperloop-fast instant overnight chit-chatty on a dating app.

I told you my head is messed up. It mirrors the world I live in, with better circumstances. Filled with hopes and high expectations both for me and my potentials. It's full of conversations never to be said. Dinners never to be had. Dates that was impossible to realize. Someone who's never were. So I'm not chasing anyone who's present in front of me, I chase the idea of him.

So when things are a bit slow, I'll tell promises. Premises. Futures. A plot to whatever isn't seen by the other party. And it scares them. They'll turn back. Leave me because they realized they're not what I'm seeking. Or that this guy before them is a complete madlad swaying in his head 24/7, making up scenarios too early too be had.

I'm almost 28 and it's as if I am Dua Lipa in her song saying "I never learn, I never learn".

My friends are crashing here and there, scolding me, because the type of guys I always attract are the ones that are really bad for me. The ones who makes me feel incredibly inferior. When they're good and they show an effort to like me, I'll bail out (I'm really sorry to one of my ex that I took for granted). It's almost like that for almost a decade.

The truth is a risk-free relationship, something that's too good to be true, something that seems easy doesn't entice me. It's always the thrill of losing someone in a big clash, any chance to incapacitate myself is an adrenaline rush for me. It's as if risking my self-worth, my self-esteem is what satisfies me the most. So I can gloom myself in this grandeur grief, because I am never good enough for anyone.

They're smarter? Good, I can now feel bad about how I wish I learn more.

They're prettier? Good, I can now feel ugly.

They're richer? Good, I can now feel how I don't work hard enough.

They're loved? Good, I can now feel even lonelier.

I have no ill feelings towards them. I genuinely try to love them, with my stupid messed up head.

I think I do need to seek help. If anyone's reading I would like to be recommended to someone who will listen to my problem.

I'm trying to reflect but as I type this, I still don't know how I would love someone, other than this way. I might end up doing everything all over again, trying to learn to love, alone, until the day I die. It's fine really, everyone deserves a happy ending. Rarely do they get one though.