Phosphenes

I'd see you even when I closed my eyes.

You had this engineered smile, meant to melt heart. A-thousand-degree Fahrenheit smile, we called it. Sculpt in every photograph you put on my wall, yes mine. My room had this wall that was visible from where I usually sleep. You'd take one polaroid of you smiling and put it, making a collage of your everyday here. I thought you were a narcissist but of course you had an explanation.

You did want me to see you even when I closed my eyes.

***

You'd sometimes sneak into my room when you finished your shift. The factory was nearby and it became a convenience for you to sleep with me. We'd cuddle and stream some cartoon so loud, it'd annoy the neighbor once in a while. We did not make love, not everyday. It was nice to have you around.I could train to see you even when I closed my eyes.

You were a big fan of that singer who looked too young to write her deep songs and you would ask me to dance to her melodies. We would sway to the piano ballads that left us unwanted, and our bodies would cheer to the anthem. Without pills and booze, I already felt the ecstatic atmosphere that you brought here to my otherwise gloomy flat. Our eyes would meet and we stared at each other as long as we could, mumbling good things we were grateful for each other.

That's how I could see you even when I closed my eyes.

***

Other times you would ignore my calls and I would rage over it. I had bad habit of breaking things and I would tear your wall of fame apart. Only to know that the day after you'd put them back and sort me out. You always knew all the mess I had inside and you repaired me, rebuilt me so I would be complete once again. Without you I would shatter, crash, and burn to my own stubbornness. I was selfish and I could not be any more broken but you always found a way to make amends of things.

I wish I couldn't stop seeing you even when I closed my eyes.It was mom's birthday, I guess? My parents were coming to my flat and they'd been dying to see you. You promised you'd bring the polaroid and take our photo together and put it in the blank space on the center of your wall of fame. You'd come after your shift ended. I cooked dinner, your favorite beef stew from my mom's cookbook. Mom and Dad were impressed, and we chat a lot about you while we were waiting. But the dinner turned cold, and you never came.

The factory burned, you didn't survive.

***

It's been a few months since you were gone. I keep crying at night. To your favorite singer's sad piano. To your clothes you left the day before. To your incomplete portraits. To know that no one will fix me anymore.I still can see you when I close my eyes.But when I open them, all I see is a blank space on my wall.